Setting the Stage (Part V - conclusion)

(If you are reading this for the first time, make sure to scroll down and start with Part I of "Setting the Stage" to get the full story. Thanks!)


The impact of my father’s death distorted the lens through which I perceived God. If this was my concept concerning fathers, and if God is the Chief Father, then according to my heart, He could not be trusted either. Deep down I believed that God, being the Father, was going to reject and abandon me too; that He, like my earthly father, was incapable of truly loving me.

The love of God is not an entity that can merely be intellectualized; rather, it is one that must be experienced and beheld in your heart. But for too long, my intellectual responses overshadowed my heart’s authentic reply. Although my mind and mouth had been saying ‘yes’ to the aforementioned questions regarding God’s character, my heart was in disbelief. My eyes were too weak to perceive such Majesty and my heart too wounded to encounter such Love. The truth is, I had no idea how to love God. More than that, I had no idea how to be loved by Him.

Woundedness spawned within me a fear that silently seeped into my soul.

So, as is my tendency when fearful, I created methods to push God away - often utilizing sin to keep Him at a distance. I figured if I was sinning, He could only have so much of my heart. Then if - or when - He let me down, He could only break that which I allowed Him to have.

The most devious component of my story is that I was largely ignorant of these invading issues. For the most part, I did not realize - or at least acknowledge - that these wounds created such misconceptions. I knew the battle was ragging inside of me, but I knew not who my opponents were. I was so busy running, I never turned around to catch sight of their faces. Though I tried to retreat time and time again, the battle advanced more swiftly than my heart could hasten.

In order to fight, I had to halt and turn to stand and face my adversaries with the full knowledge that war is never absent of blood and tears. And this one would not be either.

I remember lying in bed one night after finally realizing all of this, worn from fighting and bleeding out to God, “You know I’m afraid to let you in. You know I’m afraid to trust You. But I want to trust You. I want to love You. So, as hesitant, as scared, as fearful as I may be, this is what I will do.”

At that moment, I began to feel the Spirit flanking my foes. Where I lay in defeat, He started to claim victory. Where I retreated in fear, He proved to be bold. Where I was weak, He was, and is, mighty.

My friend, let me give you permission to drop all pretenses. I dare you to be vulnerable - to be humble. Do not permit yourself to give any pre-rehearsed, trite, pulpit-fed responses. You know, the ones that you feel you have to give in order to be a ‘good’ Christian? Be honest with yourself. Even more so, be honest with God. The question is not if you have enemies, but rather what enemies do you face? What misconceptions do you believe about God and about yourself that are the result of well-placed wounds? Stand and face your foes. Brothers and sisters, be strong and courageous, for the Lord our God is with you. Allow Him to be mighty in your weakness - to be triumphant through your meekness.

Allow not your head, but rather your heart to reply to the following:

Do you believe that God loves you? I mean, really loves you? Do you love Him? Do you know how to be loved by Him? Do you experience His love regularly, or is it merely an intellectual concept?

Do you believe that He is more trustworthy than you could ever hope? Do you trust Him? Do you know that by faith in Christ, He will never leave you nor forsake you?

Think of the person, people, or situation that has maimed you deepest. Does God resemble them to you? Do you know and believe that He is nothing like the opprobrious subjects who have wounded, lied to, or discarded you? Are your beliefs founded upon God’s unchanging Truth, or are they founded in your woundedness?

Do you believe that in even the most grim situation, He is good and desires good for you?

Is your intellect standing on the knowledge of God’s character, but your heart retreating from His presence?

(Hint: These questions cannot be answered by just reading through them. Take them with you and consider in depth your heart’s answer. Most likely, your heart’s response is buried beneath layers of intellect, insecurities, fears, and debris. It’s going to take some excavating, and, if you’re honest, it will be probably be painful. Treasures such as these are never procured without a war, and a war is never absent of… yeah, you get it.)

Now, to aid you in unearthing your answers, let me give you a little test.

How do you know what you believe? How do you know that your answers are truly a response of your heart? You compare the content of your answers to the content of your life. Is what you said congruent with what you do? Is there evidence of a trust in and love for God in your life? Is there evidence that you regularly experience the love of God and know it in your heart?

Do you treat God like you treat those who afflicted you? Do you find ways - whether they be methods, sins, habits, attitudes, perspectives, doctrines, theologies, etc - to keep God in your personalized box? Do you find ways to keep Him at a reasonable distance?

Now, I would be misleading if I produced within you the idea that I am completely healed of all internal anguish or that I have vanquished my adversaries. Truthfully, it is a daily battle for me. Some battles I know I will fight my whole life through. But this is where I must learn to trust God all the more. I am no match for my enemies. My strength is feeble and my wits are dull. Believe me, I have tried to win this war, but inevitably I am left time and time again in a pool of my own depravity.

And you will be too, unless you find your solace, strength, and serenity in God Himself. We are guaranteed, as a result of living in a fallen world, that we will have tribulation. However, it does not end there! We are encouraged to take heart in this promise, that our Lord and God, Jesus Christ, the risen Savior, has overcome this world. That by His wounds we are healed. That by the power of His Spirit and the perfection of His love  our combatants are slain and our battles won!

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.” - Ephesians 3:14-21

Thank you for reading. I love you all and am honored to call you brothers and sisters:)

Stay Rooted!!!